If I Didn't Have You
by GiLLiAn AnDeRsOn
Summary: Mulder and Scully devise a plan to prevent the impending colonization. Scully discovers something she isn't ready to handle, and her and Mulder have to figure out what to do about it.


Title: If I Didn't Have You  
Author: Stephanie  
Email: david_duchovny_luver@hotmail.com  
Summery: Mulder and Scully devise a plan to prevent the  
impending colonization. Scully discovers something she  
isn't ready to handle, and her and Mulder have to figure  
out what to do about it.  
Category: A, MSR  
Rating: PG-13 to R (R chapters will be clearly labeled)  
Spoilers: Post The Truth fic, but reasonable knowledge of   
seasons 8 and 9 is required.  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never have been, never will be.  
Notes: Like many of you, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival  
of the second X-Files movie. So much so that I figured I'd have  
a go at writing it myself! Let's hope Chris does a much better job  
than I have. Although, I doubt there'll be as much smut in his  
version as there is in mine ;) This is a WIP so please be patient,  
I have exams coming up.  
  
  
  
Roswell, New Mexico  
Motel Room  
1:35am  
  
It was the sudden flash of lightening followed by the  
inevitable roar of thunder that woke me from my peaceful  
slumber. I hadn't meant to fall asleep. I had every intention  
of making slow, sweet love to Mulder as I'd promised I   
would after our little quickie in the back seat of the SUV.  
How many nights had I laid awake in my suddenly too  
large of a bed, recalling the feel of his arms around me.  
The feel of him thrusting so far inside of me I could  
hardly tell where I ended and he began. I certainly  
never thought it would be like this.  
  
In my fantasies, our reunion didn't take place in a  
military brig with a guard standing watch. Skinner wasn't  
there either. In my dreams, it was just me, Mulder, and a   
night filled with anything but sleep. William was there too  
of course, sleeping soundly in his crib dreaming little boy   
dreams, unaware that his daddy was home safe and sound.  
He would know in the morning, just before dawn, when  
he'd open his big blue eyes and see his daddy's hazel ones  
staring down at him. That moment I would cherish forever.  
Father and son together again. Too bad that moment will  
never happen. Not anytime soon.  
  
He never forgave me, and somewhere deep inside I  
fear he never truly will. He'd said he understood that I'd had  
no choice, and that he'd missed the both of us so much. But  
he never said the words I'd longed to hear, the words that  
would bring some comfort to my aching heart. Forgiveness  
would not be granted yet. It was too soon, the pain too fresh.  
He'd offered me his acceptance, and for that I was grateful.  
Forgiveness would come later, when the pain subsided.  
  
Not liking where my thoughts were headed, I decided  
to just concentrate on the feel of once again being held in the  
arms of the man I loved. A place I thought I'd never be again.  
He too had fallen asleep. The stress of the past few days finally  
catching up with him. He always seemed so full of energy, but  
it was evident from the bags under his eyes that he hadn't slept  
much lately. I wonder whether the way he's sleeping so soundly  
now has anything to do with my presence? I didn't sleep well  
during our separation either. At first I blamed it on William  
and his 3am feedings. But soon he began to sleep through the  
night like the good little boy that he was, and I was left with no  
excuse for my constant sleepless nights. I gathered that my  
ongoing bout with insomnia had to do with that fact the it was  
at night when Mulder's absence became most evident, most  
painful. During the day I could concentrate fully on my work.  
The mundane task of 'slicing and dicing' as Mulder called it,  
was a great way of taking my mind off things. When I arrived  
home in the evenings, I could focus on taking care of William  
and his needs. All the while desperately trying not to notice  
just how much he was beginning to look like his daddy.  
  
It was in the dead of night that Mulder's absence  
weighed heavily on my senses. We'd only been together a few  
months before he was taken from me, but I had already  
become accustom to his presence in my bed, and in my body.  
Hardly a night had gone by during our brief time together when  
we hadn't returned home from work and found solace in each  
others bodies. Both of us silently agreeing that we needed to  
make up for lost time. The phrase 'humping like rabbits' had  
never been accurate when describing me in relation to men.  
Until Mulder that is. The lust we felt for one another was  
often too much to bare. Countless times Mulder, the former  
workaholic, would unceremoniously grab me and drag me out  
the door. We'd just barely reach the confines of my apartment  
before Mulder would impale himself inside of me. Foreplay  
often wasn't needed. Just sitting in the same room with Mulder  
hour upon hour, knowing I could look but not touch was  
enough to drive me absolutely crazy! Needless to say, I was  
more than ready by the time we were finally able to sneak  
away for our daily lunchtime quickie.  
  
At night we were different though. Our lovemaking  
was always slow and sensual, quite a difference in comparison  
with the rushed movements of our midday getaways. We always  
took the time to explore each others bodies, bringing one another  
to the edge of release only to stop and start all over again. In the  
aftermath, we'd lay together as our breathing returned to normal.  
I never would have guessed Mulder was the type of guy who  
liked to cuddle. We'd lay there sweaty and completely sated, our  
arms and legs entwined. Despite how pleasurable our lovemaking  
had been, I always seemed to enjoy this part the most. Basking in  
the afterglow of great sex. I would look at Mulder and he'd sigh in   
contentment, grinning absurdly, his hair disheveled in that  
'just been fucked' sorta way. It made me incredibly happy to  
know that I was the cause of that particular hair style.  
I'd lay my head on his chest and the steady beating of his  
heart never failed to carry me off into a deep sleep. During  
our separation, all I was left with was a suffocating silence  
and a pillow that still faintly held his scent.  
  
The reminder of how lonely I had been not so long  
ago sends a chill through my body and I snuggle closer into  
Mulder's embrace. He's here, he's real and he's mine. Suddenly  
I'm flooded with a mixture of emotions. Happiness for the man  
I've found and sorrow for the son I've lost. It's all too much and  
I do the only thing I can think of. Something I never used to do,  
but have done more times in the past two years than I can count.  
I cry. Mulder's arm instinctively tightens around me and the  
thought that even in his sleep he's trying to comfort me only  
causes me to cry further. It's not until I feel the light brush  
of his lips against my forehead that I realize he's not asleep.  
I feel terrible for waking him, he needs his rest. But on the  
other hand I'm glad. I need him to comfort me, to tell me that  
everything's going to be all right. I need to touch and be  
touched. I need to love and be loved. And as I hear Mulder  
begin to whisper words of love and commitment in my  
ear as his right hand slowly unties my robe, I know I   
won't be disappointed. Mulder never disappoints me.  
  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
6:03am   
  
It's time to go. Not that I wouldn't be content  
to just lie here with my arms wrapped around a very  
sated Scully for the rest of my life, but there are things  
we need to do, lives we need to save. Scully said she  
knew I could never give up, and she's right. As much  
as I'd like to forget everything Spender told me and  
just live the next ten years of my life blissfully  
unaware that the world was coming to an end, I know  
I can't. That's not who I am, that's not who we are. I   
truly believe that Scully and I were put on this  
earth to make a difference. Whether by chance, or by a  
higher power, I don't know. All I know is that my son will  
live to be more than eleven years old, his mother and I   
will make sure of that.  
  
William. God, I miss him. I only got to be with my  
son for two short days before I was forced to leave. Two  
measly days, and I had already fallen in love with him.  
He was so small the last time I'd seen him, so fragile. I   
wanted to hold him in my arms and keep him safe from all  
the horrors I knew lurked outside the safety of his crib. At  
the time, I had thought the best way to keep him safe was to  
distance myself from him. I knew there were people out  
there who wanted me dead, and I refused to put their lives in  
danger because of me. So I had left, thinking my departure  
would be the answer to our problems. I was wrong, horribly  
wrong. I know now that the place I should've been, the place  
I needed to be, was at home. Now we have no home and our  
son is gone. All we have left is each other. And that's enough,  
for now.  
  
I can't even begin to fathom how hard it must have  
been for her. To have to raise our son on her own, all the  
while continuing to work. She told me what had happened.  
About the man coming into our home, attacking her mother  
and attempting to kill our son. She also told me about the  
kidnapping and how she'd rushed to Alberta and found William  
crying and alone amongst the fiery remains of a spaceship.  
I understood why she decided to give him up. He'd already  
gone through things no child should ever have to go through,  
he deserved a normal life, something Scully couldn't give him  
on her own. If only I had been there, we could have protected   
him together. If I had been there things would be different,  
things would be better. God, how will Scully ever be able  
to forgive me?  
  
As if sensing my thoughts, Scully snuggles closer into  
my embrace. Her full lips parted slightly and I feel the light  
puffs of her breathing against my chest. I hate to wake her up,  
she had a rough night. I had woken up in the wee hours of the  
morning to find her crying softly. She needed me and I needed  
her and before we knew it, we had shed our clothes and were  
comforting each other the best way we knew how. Our  
lovemaking was always different, each time our bodies joined  
it was spectacular. Whether it be hard and fast, or slow and  
sweet, sex with Scully was always amazing. There was only  
one word to describe last nights encounter; satisfying. And as  
much as I'd like to roll on top of her right now and get  
reacquainted with the lushes curves of her body, we have to  
get going. We have a planet to save.  
  
I gently lift a strand of auburn hair from her face and  
tuck it behind her ear, which grants with a wonderful view  
of her face. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps, so innocent.  
Much like the young, naive agent who had walked into my  
basement office nine long years ago. So much has happened  
since then, both good things and bad. I wish she could have  
that innocence back, but I know that's impossible. She's seen  
too much, she knows too much and she's a stronger person  
because of it. As I am once again reminded of how much I  
truly love this woman, I bend my head to gently kiss her closed  
eyelids. They slowly flutter open in response, her big blue eyes  
look up at me and all I see is love shining from their depths.  
Judging by the grin on her face I guess she sees the same   
expression mirrored in my eyes as well.   
  
"Morning, sunshine." I say as I gently bring my lips down  
to capture hers in a chaste kiss that doesn't last nearly long  
enough. She sits up in bed and rubs the sleep from her eyes  
with the back of her hand. She looks down at me and slowly  
traces my lower lip with her thumb.  
  
"Is it time to go?" she asks, and I can hear the twinge  
of disappointment in her voice because she knows it is. I  
nod solemnly and we share a look that promises there will  
be many more nights spent like this, wrapped in each others  
arms. But right now we have work to do. She bends to capture  
my lips with her own. Her teeth gently nibble on my full lower  
lip before she runs her tongue along it, her way of asking  
permission to enter. Permission granted. Our tongues flirt with  
each other as our lips try and find the best way to fit together.  
She pulls back after what seems like an eternity but was  
probably only a few seconds. I take in the look of her dilated  
pupils and flushed cheeks and as a result feel the familiar  
tightening in my groin. Maybe we could squeeze in a little  
something before we leave. I begin to move closer to her,  
when she gently puts her hand on my shoulder in an effort  
to prevent my advances. Before I know it she's out of bed,  
buck naked and heading towards the bathroom.  
  
"I get first dibs on the shower!" she yells playfully  
over her shoulder, deliberately swaying her hips as she makes  
her way into the bathroom. I get out of bed and begin looking  
around for my clothes that are strewn around the room, all the  
while grinning like an idiot.  
  
"You're wicked, Scully" I yell in the direction of the  
bathroom as I locate one of my socks. It's been a very long  
time since I've seen Scully's playful side and once this whole  
mess is over with I intend on seeing a lot more of it.  
Discarded clothes in hand, I plop back onto the bed and  
wait for Scully to finish.   
  
"And you love it!" I hear Scully shout just before she  
steps into the shower. The idiotic grin the has yet to leave  
my face grows larger as I realize that yeah, I do love it.  
  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
End of part 1 


End file.
